i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
