My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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