Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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