You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
