I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
