THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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