I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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