i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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