oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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