How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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