He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
