i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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