He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
