he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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