i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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