I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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