I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
