Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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