The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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