Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
