if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
