I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize