My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
3pm strippers are depressing
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
