Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
