atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
