They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
