Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
