So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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