im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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