im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
