youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
