good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
