just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
