I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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