last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
what the fuck happened to the tacos
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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