my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
