She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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