the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
