dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
