She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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