I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
