I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
