Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wear drunk well.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
