i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize