Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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