You work out of a Hotel?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
soo... how was my night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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