So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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