The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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