Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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