Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
