im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So. Much. Porn.
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