My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
