im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
