my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just want to make out with him forever
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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