going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
