Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
