Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
