haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm too high and old for this...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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