I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
