I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
